Bad Hairy Days and Fears, October 19

December 8, 2015  |  Uncategorized

Light on the Camino

Today, according to my metaphorical route plan, is the first day of the rest of my life. Well so far it has been a bit of a slog, rain and strong wind, very sore knees and my feet have started to ache now as well. I left without breakfast from a hotel which did not serve breakfast – what was that about?
I managed to somehow miss all the restaurants on the road but I did eventually and painfully arrive at my destination only to find out that my luggage did not arrive!
Well if this is to be the rest of my life….
But in truth it may be.
I am 64 and the rest of my life will have many challenges, physically and emotionally in a variety of ways, such is the aging process.
Today the path got difficult, the wind whipped up, it was raining and I was in pain with every step, I started to cry. It shocked me, where was this coming from?
Yes, it is windy- big deal and it is raining – but I am well protected and yes my knees and legs hurt like hell but what else is going on here?
And then I saw the fear at the bottom of it all heating up the emotions and stirring up the pain. The fear was not about the rain or the wind or my legs and feet. The fear was not about today.
I was afraid that I would not be able to finish the Camino. Afraid that my worsening leg pain would stop me from reaching my long range goal. I was afraid of something that is not happening today and may or may not ever happen.
Thank God, some sanity surfaced through that mess. I was able to observe that today I was still walking, still making progress on the trail, snail paced, but progress. I saw this day as a bad day but there was Grace and that was my ability to keep on keeping on and to know that even on such days somewhere, somehow, all is exactly as it is meant to be in this moment of time.
Today is indeed a perfect metaphor for this stage of my life. In these years there is a blessing available that is not about overcoming challenges and winning at all costs. Instead this blessing is about how I accept that which comes and this is what will make all the difference to the quality of my life in the future. Will I find the fears behind the pain and face them? Will I risk the honesty of vulnerability? Will I face or deny my condition and my situation? Will I keep my sense of humor and my passion for whom and what I love?
Thank you Camino for another lesson in life.

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