I am struck by the wonder of the variety of women 50+. Those who would market to us often tend to paint us into a limited number of gray aged types but the fact is we are all types. Women across the world,past the celebration of their 50th birthday are: short and tall, skinny and wide, working and retired, re careering and herding grandchildren, divorcing, marrying, and loving in place, saving countries and frisking up villages. In my travels I observe an amazing diversity of women of that “certain age”.
Here we are,anywhere from 50 – 105, doing whatever we are moved to do. The mature woman of today has evolved outside the molds of the aged woman which have existed for generations. The fateful stereotypes did await us but we are a mass and we have found freedom outside the previous norm for our age. In so doing we are beginning to truly inhabit this time of life.
We are showing up for life 50+ in a way that many of our grandmothers could not. In fairness to grandma, her life span was not so long and her predecessors, even her peers, did not offer role models for vibrant aging. Given these circumstances it is unlikely that many of our grandmothers were able to imagine an attractive or energizing horizon before them as they turned 70, 80 or 90.
There have always been remarkable women in every age of history, women who took an alternate path, women whose very existence changed the lives of those around them. However today’s 50+ generation has been blessed with the gifts of exceptional longevity and remarkable health in our aged years. These are gifts that no generation before us enjoyed to such an extent.
These gifts will change our perspective on aging and how we view the possibilities available in our later years. Unlike our Grannies,today we need only look around to see our peers trying on and conquering the world. 
Even on the pages and screens of our media, elegant, vibrant and capable women are beginning to take center stage for the astonishing 50+ lives they are leading. Far from feeling reduced by our years, we have grasped the freedom, and we are living this time as an intriguing new stage of human development, not as an exception but forging a new norm.
I am not oblivious to the physical changes which may happen. I see the lives of some of my friends drastically altered by cancers and diseases of age but I do not see them stop. They bend to the physical changes and alter their step as required and they move on. Bridget Bardot is quoted as saying that the secret to a contented old age is “to walk like it does not hurt”. We are learning to accept the new uncomfortable realities along side the more comfortable ones.
The term “Coming of Age” has taken on a whole new meaning as we play in life free of the battered self esteem and co dependent worries of youth. They say as you get older you are more vulnerable, perhaps physically this is true but emotionally and intellectually it seems the opposite is true. When you have lived long enough and seen enough, risk is not such a big word. Dare is not such a scary word. Trying and reaching and doing what our heart moves us to do becomes the way of life.
Are we living now like there is no tomorrow? That sounds a bit too reckless, maybe we are just living like we know today is truly a gift. A good awareness for these years which turn our attention to what is before us today, this day, to do in it whatever our passion may call us to do and to be in it whatever we are comfortable being.
Be well in whatever life offers you today.
When I was fifty, I was sure that cosmetic surgery was not for me. I had investigated it, met with the doctors, discussed the options and decided no. I was satisfied to go the natural route.
Well now I am sixty two and I feel good. My energy is good. I have a sense of purpose and, most days, I am pretty sure my contribution to life counts.
So why does the woman staring back at me in the mirror look so tired? Who is she, this old lady with the bags and dark circles under the eyes?
Jane Fonda, when asked why she had succumbed to the knife again said, “I just got fed up looking so much more tired than I felt”. I have to admit I was a tad judgmental of poor Jane. I mean come on! Jane ended her book My Life So Far sharing that she had her breast implants removed to look more natural. And now she had her face done?
I apologize Jane, for being so critical and for opening my mouth about your face before I had experienced my own tired eyes staring back at me. Now I get it. It is a disconnect, one’s face should reflect how one feels. I am not sure who this woman is in my mirror but quite frankly she could with a little rest. I have started to question myself…am I more tired than I realize, am I ill? Is some horrid, as of yet undiagnosed disease, lurking behind those dark lines under my eyes?
So am I going to join the 15 million people worldwide* who voluntarily lie down on the operating table every year and say, “OK doc…do your magic”?
At this point I still think, no. But I really did need to be honest about the fact I have seriously considered it and I totally get it Jane. I admit I just would not know when to stop. If I get some work done on my face today then what about my neck, the cellulite on my arms, my tummy bulge and the saggy butt? What is next? Where does it all end?
My plan for now is to keep on the acceptance path because it is my belief that acceptance will take me further and be my best friend in the years to come. The other day I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my husband, trying to be helpful in that “special ” way only men can, said “it could be worse”. I threw back, “it will be”. And where will I be then if I have not befriended by looser, lower self(speaking of gravity here).
A recent UK survey by Grazia magazine shows that the number one reason Brits go under the knife is to increase confidence. Don’t they know that an increase in confidence is one of the top gifts of aging described by my interviewees when I was researching for Fifty& Fabulous! Aging breeds confidence. Maybe just surviving this long breeds confidence but I think it also has something to do with awareness and lessons learned along the way. Apply your aged confidence liberally to those wrinkles once a day and I guarantee their appearance will diminish in 2-3 weeks.
Consider what we erase when we remove the consequence of days spend at the beach with our children or nights danced in the arms of someone we love, or tears wept for loss and brows furrowed from worry. If we go too deep to smooth those lines we risk erasing our visual history, ironing out our life story.
I love ancient buildings converted to modern use but it is not the new bathroom fixtures which awe me. It is the cracked stone walls and worn rugs and ancient mosaics. It is the sense of all the living that has happened in this place over time which engages me. Surely our bodies can be treated with the same respect by resting in our greater truth.
To the Jane Fondas of the world let me say that this decision of mine is exactly that…mine. You are free to make your own decisions on this topic and with a little Grace I will keep my opinions of your decisions to myself. I do not walk in your shoes, only my own and they, by the way, get flatter every day. But that is another story of acceptance.
Support this film
There is a new style in philanthropy, it is called crowdfunding. Websites like Indiegogo and Kickstarter provide a platform from which entrepreneurs can target people like me to support their latest project.
I do not have the penthouse on the park nor the big check writing capability but with this new form of venture capital even I can support someone’s dream. Contributions can begin with an amount as small as one dollar. There are few things in life as uplifting as telling another human being you believe in who they are and what they are doing.
Last week writer/producer Dana White wrote to me and asked me to support her new film, The Red Suitcase. I was targeted because I write about women 50+. The arrow hit a bull’s eye – Dana was correct I was intrigued.
The themes of this film are change, resistance, acceptance, and love, the themes of my generation. How could I not be intrigued?
A multigenerational road trip
Ms White was inspired by her own Mother’s courage and her emotional and physical journey to piece her life back together again after her 30 year marriage failed .Dana says the movie is really about what happens when “ …your life falls apart and everything you have known is gone…everything you knew you no longer recognize”
The other day a publicist asked me how my message about the positive aspects of aging is relevant in today’s tough economic times when so many older women are suffering financial hardship. I responded, the quality of your life is not about what you do or do not have but about how you view whatever your circumstances are.
I have not seen all of Dana’s film because it is not finished yet but from what I have seen I think this is exactly what she is talking about. The circumstances of age are going to deal us some tough blows but in this time of life as well there is a unique energy within which we can find new confidence, courage and a voice which comes from deep inside us, a voice which may have been buried for some time . For some it will blossom gently forth as we pass peaceful birthdays for others it will be dragged out kicking and screaming every step of the way. But in the end it will stand aged but proud and strong, a role model for our daughters and leaving a mark in our senior years. We may even discover that our very worst experiences contain within them the seed of unlimited growth and heart opening joy.
Check out and support:
The Red Suitcase
Written and produced by Dana White
Directed by Christopher Knoblock
Starring Kathleen Chalfant
http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-red-suitcase
Spoiler warning – if you have not watched the final episode of the HBO series, Damages – DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.
Please note: I watch selected TV series on DVD because I refuse to let TV schedule my life, so this discussion is not current to the latest programming.
Image Credit: David Russell/DirecTV
Damages has an engaging and twisting plot about two powerful and ambitious female lawyers.
After all is said and done and there has been considerable devilry and wickedness, we say goodbye to the two main characters securely fastening the white hat on one and the black hat on the other. The evil heroine is left to her fate- rich and alone, while the good heroine’s future is blessed with family and love but poor in monetary reward.
Rich and successful or poor and happy, are these our only options and if so does this portrayal of women’s choices in life do us a disservice?
I am the first person to say that my children are the greatest gift of my life but that is my experience not a universal truth. I agree that money cannot buy happiness but I am not prepared to say that all successful business women are miserable and lonely. I am uncomfortable with the monochromatic choices which are presented in the moral tale scripted for Damages.
Can a woman not be successful in business and rich in family too? Of course she can and we all know women who are living proof. It is sad to still be able to point out that generally men are not asked to make such choices.
OK, I agree I may be reducing the script of Damages to a simplistic argument and I realize that the sad lonely woman in the limo was also dishonest, unethical and, well, yes, she did have someone killed…
My point is this, if televsion wants to become our moral guide then it needs to work a little harder and craft more complexity into its endings. Happy ever after or miserable ever after are both lazy exits from a story which presented complex characters, real human beings, a little bit of good and a little bit of bad, tossed about in circumstances beyond their control, doing the best they can, even when that seems to be pretty darn pitiful.
Please, TV gods, after teasing and thrilling us with multi dimensional heroines do not try and pawn off a simplistic denouement of princes and wicked step mothers. We can handle a little uncertainty and mystery; after all we live it every day.
I have been on the road lately, grateful to have enjoyed the sea in southern France, the vineyards outside Lausanne Switzerland and the sun and mountains of Spain- yes I am spoiled!
Today I am in London- it is cold, windy and rainy, a very different experience than the previous weeks but some things have not changed.
Here in blustery London as in those warmer climes I find myself observing an amazing diversity of women 50+
Each city, town and village has offered me an amazing range of characters.
Women past the celebration of their 50th birthday are: short and tall, skinny and wide, working and retired, re careering and minding grandchildren, divorcing, marrying, and loving in place.
I am struck by the wonder of this variety. Those who would market to us often tend to paint us into a limited number of gray aged types but the fact is we are all types.
We are, still at this “certain age” and I mean anywhere from 50 – 105, doing whatever we are moved to do. I believe that the mature woman of today has evolved outside the molds of the aged woman which have existed for generations. The fateful stereotypes did await us but we have found freedom outside the norm for our age. In so doing we are beginning to truly inhabit this time.
We are showing up for life 50+ in a way that our grandmothers did not. In fairness to grandma, her life span was not so long and her ancestors even her peers did not offer role models for vibrant aging. Given these circumstances it is unlikely that many of our grandmothers were able to imagine an attractive or energizing horizon before them as they turned 50.
Today we need only look around to see our peers trying on and conquering the world. Even on the pages and screens of our media, elegant, vibrant and capable women are beginning to take center stage for the astonishing 50+ lives they are leading. Far from feeling reduced by our years we have grasped the freedom and we are living this time as an intriguing new stage of human development.
I am not oblivious to the physical changes which may happen. I see the lives of some of my friends drastically altered by cancers and diseases of age but I do not see them stop, not permanently. They bend to the physical changes and alter their step as required and they move on. Bridget Bardot is quoted as saying that the secret to a contented old age is “to walk like it does not hurt”.
The term “Coming of Age” has taken on a whole new meaning as we play in life free of the battered self esteem and co dependent worries of youth. They say as you get older you are more vulnerable, perhaps physically this is true but emotionally and intellectually it seems the opposite is true. When you have lived long enough and seen enough, risk is not such a big word. Dare is not such a scary word. Trying and reaching and doing what our heart moves us to do becomes the way of life. 
Are we living now like there is no tomorrow- that sounds a bit too reckless, maybe we are just living like we know there will not be as much of it? A good awareness for these years which turns our attention to what is before us today, this day, to do and to be.
Be well in whatever life offers you today.
Do you love chain letters or do you hate them? Sometimes they are just like daisy chains, bits of sun drenched thought linked together to brighten someone’s day.Sometimes they are really annoying. Well I have been invited by Mary Tabor, the wizard of words about love and life’s other irresistible trials to play in The Next Big Thing chain and I am thrilled to be part of this!
Here is how it works;
Mary tagged me at Mary L Tabor.com
Mary’s latest book, Who By Fire is a journey into a relationship which left me delightfully “jumbled” and hungry for more of the Mary L Tabor style of scripting life and love.It is honest, heart wrenching and a winding path you cannot put down.
Now I get to tag five other authors,the hard part is deciding who and on which of their books to focus. Then I encourage the five I chose to tag five more and so on and so on.
So, who shall I tag?
Hilary Mantel author of Wolf Hall: A Novel and Bring Up the Bodies, the first two books in a trilogy based on the life of historical figure Thomas Cromwell. I admit to being addicted to the Showtime series The Tudors in which Thomas Cromwell played a significant role. After the Tudors Ms Mantel’s books are a great indulgence for me, so much more detail, so much more intrigue. I have always loved historical fiction,since childhood, because what interested me the most about history were the stories about the people of those times. Historical fiction grants the author such leeway to expand the characters and plumb them out with human emotion, frailties and heroism.
The Cromwell series works well within the boundaries of fact but does exactly as I described,it plumbs out the man and his life in a way that makes the tales irresistible.
OK Hilary, as much as I would love you to join this chain mail, I must insist you stay tied to your desk and working on your next big thing,The Mirror and the Light, the third in this trilogy.
Tim Winton is an Australian novelist and short story writer. I have read many of his books but Breath,A Novel was my first and your first is always special. I have traveled to Australia twice and I have seen those waves which holler at us as we stand in awe on the beach,“ I am in charge. Take note, mere human”. Mr. Winton’s novel explores the marine waves and the developmental waves of a young man coming of age on a surfboard and in his heart. After Breath I read five more Winton masterpieces in a row, need I say more?
Peter Heller is an adventure writer so perhaps this explains The Dog Stars,a novel which is not just another apocalyptic tale. Who doesn’t love a tale about when it is all over and the rules are up for grabs? We like to fantasize about how we would act, where we would draw our boundaries. The Dog Stars will give you that opportunity. It has its share of gruesome detail but you will also laugh and cry sweet tears. I intend to explore the world of Peter Heller again soon after this first trip with him.
Raul Ramos Y Sanchez took me to an L.A. with which I am not familiar and quite frankly hope never to be. House Divided vividly describes what can go wrong in a multi ethnic city full of fear but it also inspires as it describes what can go right with the human spirit. Raul Ramos Y Sanchez is Cuban born, raised in both New York City and Cuba and he draws from his own experience and considerable insight into the human soul to create this book.
Simon Mawer, grew up in one place was educated in another and now works and lives in yet another. I think these shallow roots blossom creativity; they also allow an author to ably take his readers on a journey to wherever he cares to set his tale. I was quite undecided on which of Mr. Mawer’s books to highlight here but in the end I picked The Glass Room. This book is about a room, which if you are an architecture fan like I am is enough to intrigue you, but of course a room is envisioned, build by and contains people and there the story begins.
This is the part where I answer ten questions about my writing set by the Next Big Thing chain letter game and the five folks I have tagged above will hopefully do the same.
What is the title of your book (or story)?
Fifty & Fabulous! The Best Years of a Woman’s Life
Where did the idea come from for the book?
When I was 54 years old both my parents died. I was kicked off the bench and onto the field of life. One day as I struggled to reconcile a thousand competing emotions this question popped into my head “What is a woman’s role in life after the biological imperative to reproduce is passed, in other words after menopause?
What genre does your book fall under?
Non fiction- research based, but not the sort of research that seeks to proof an existing hypothesis. My research began uninformed and I had no idea what I might find. I interviewed women from 45 – 102 years of age in five countries before I began to write.
Write a one sentence synopsis of your book.
Life after 50 is stage of human development not a stage of human decline.
Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?
My book is nonfiction so I am not sure how to answer this one but it is fun to imagine representing the voices of the women I interviewed with actors. My casting list would include; Meryl Streep, Isabella Rossellini, Annette Bening, Susan Sarandon…get my drift, amazing strong willed, talented woman who are aging in confidence, naturally.
Was your book self-published or represented by an agency?
Watkins Publishing, London, UK
How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?
Actually plopping words down on a page… about 24 months. However the interviews and analysis of the information gathered took about another 24 months…not full time of course, a girl has to eat which means work at a paying job.
What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?
Anne Morrow Lindberg’s A Gift From The Sea.
Who or what inspired you to write this book?
When I analyzed the words of my interviewees I saw that life after 50 is a natural spiritual journey, the most fertile time of a woman’s life and I just thought …wow! I had to find a way to share this. Why would anyone be afraid to grow old if they knew what was waiting for them in these years? I was inspired by the sparkling eyed women across the world who had so generously opened before me their hearts and minds and their experience of life after 50.
What else about the book might pique the reader’s interest?
I am now interviewing men over 50 and hoping to give the male gender equal time on the topic of aging. What I am finding so far, is in many ways, quite different from what I am found while interviewing women.
If you know any great older men, particularly 85+ please send them my way and help me on my Next Big Thing.
Mary Tabor will interview me on May 8th at 1:00PM PCT. You can tune in live on Rare Bird Radio, bogtalkradio.com at
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/rarebirdradio/2012/10/24/mary-l-tabor-and-tbd
or catch it later on Mary’s page at the same address.
Many of my readers are over 50 years of age so like me,creeping up to 62, they have already made a significant mark on life. We have shed our baby skin, carved our careers and raised our families.
We have had many opportunities and some we have mastered while others have slipped through our fingers. There is much living left to do and while one career may be playing out its final notes the next one could be just around the corner.But no matter what our work is we will be doing it in the new 50+ style.
In emFifty Fabulous/em I described what my interviewees told me about how their roles in the workplace have changed as they have aged. They described a movement from direction to guidance, from management to facilitation from boss to mentor.
The wisdom and experience that accumulated during the journey and over the years is now applied in a very new way. It seems that the firm grip on control which we thought so essential when we were younger, we now perceive as a limitation that does not serve our purpose. As our hips may have softened so have our hands and hearts and I believe that at this age we open them both more vulnerably to gently shape the work of others.
What explains this change? With age confidence increases, experience, both success and failure,is a teacher whose lessons have reshaped our thinking. Our perspective widens as we raise our heads from the single pointed view of our own struggle. We begin to understand that doing is for today but mentoring is for tomorrow as well.
Let’s kick off the next International Women’s Day by extending are hands and sharing the largess of our success to support the career of someone just starting out and let’s begin right now.
…Introducing strongKiva/strong….
Kiva is a virtual community of micro credit lenders and recipients which facilitates our generosity seamlessly.
Just go to a href=http://www.kiva.org title=Kivawww.kiva.org /a
There you wil be efficiently led through the process. You select a recipient from the business profiles which are listed and grant a business loan for as little as $25.US. The woman you support will be required to repay this interest free loan over time and you can then decide whether to lend the money to someone else or take your money back.
Our small gestures can may make the difference between death and survival in third world economies.
For less than we spend on our weekly coffee we can back a village business that could feed a family.
Kiva is the brain child of some young folks who want to make it easy for us to be what we have become, grateful, Fabulous and wise!
In 2009 I was on the board of an LA based group for women 50+. I suggested we register a Facebook page to stay connected with each other and to share our needs and accomplishments. The members railed against it,” our children will tell us to get out of their party” they claimed.
Within six months, I was receiving daily Friends requests from the same demographic, indeed many of the same women who rejected the earlier idea.
Things change, according to The Pew Research Centre’s Internet & American Life Project, 59% of internet users over the age of 50 are using Facebook. The largest user group is still in the 18-29 year old demographic, coming in at 83%. So we can assume that the structure and policies of the site will cater to that group but the neat thing about Facebook is, you choose your Friends, just like in “real life”, this gives you considerable control over your environment.
My personal relationship with Mr. Zuckerberg’s baby started off tentatively but I am now proud to say, I am a total convert. I would even pay to use it as long my Friends would too. My guess is many would protest a fee, so Mark, let’s keep it an advertising business model please.
Facebook works for me. It is a communication method that suits my lifestyle, the right tool for the job. I am a nomad, born in one country, grew up in another and raised my family there and now I live in a third. I am nonresident in that third country for approximately 7 months of the year while travelling. The result is my friends, family, associates and acquaintances are widely distributed. For private and in depth discussion I use the tried and true, email, phone and meet you at 6:00 PM. But Facebook is my go to tool for daily, efficient connection with a larger number of people.
Each morning I make the coffee, prepare the breakfast and sit down to check my email and the morning news and then I check in with my Facebook clan. I have standards. My mission is to inform or uplift others through my Posts and Shares. I post links to articles from Zite or other online news sites. I restrict my personal posts to the level of interest I would like to receive i.e., I don’t tell people that I am going to the bank or that I just had raspberries for breakfast. I enjoy clicking on the little globe icon which reveals what my Friends have to say about what I have posted, a little morning ego massage, it is good to start the day knowing you are accepted. I catch up on what my Friends have deposited over the past 24 hours, milestone events, travel news and grandchildren pics. Generally I don’t Share these unless they fit my mission, to inform or uplift others. I do enjoy hitting share for art, literature, business news and philanthropic ventures. I learn something from my 30 minute Facebook exercise every day and hopefully most days I contribute an interesting tidbit for others.
Cat & Chris
Chris’s photography shared on Facebook
Just the week after this loss my son was married and I posted the emotions of this milestone along with, of course, some pictures and I was rewarded with a celebration of Comments and Likes. All my Facebook Friends from around the world joined the festivities and I did not have to tick off my son and his wife by stacking the guest list.
Maybe I am lucky, I have interesting Friends, so I am eager to see what they post. I am careful about who I Friend, my natural introverted tendencies extending even out into the virtual world. I am not looking to win a popularity contest but to create an online coffee shop where people I enjoy and respect can meet for virtual morning java across the time zones.
Is Facebook for everyone, maybe not? Face or don’t Face, up to you, but if you choose not to I request that you abandon your judgment of those of us who do. I meet some “real world” elitists at parties, “oh no, I do not use Facebook, I am too busy for that”…that is why I use it, because I am busy.
” I have real friends”…so do I but many of them live on the other side of the planet and I either don’t see them every day or I don’t have time to write to them all individually.
“I don’ want everyone knowing my business”…so don’t post it and or learn how to use the tool correctly.
In high school, I was judged for the company I keep now it seems I may be judged for how I keep it.
If I did not use Facebook I would not know that:
• Irina’s art is still a showcase for her spirit and energy
• Tom is out there and listening
• Maria has the most amazing eye for art photography
• Hailey made pancakes today with her Daddy
• Katherine’s grandchildren are way cuter than we imagined when we were 20
• Sarah is brave and adventurous
• Stacey is every animal’s hero
• Chris is making us proud to be 50+ on Fabafterfifty
• I miss Cat and Chris every day
Life will take my friends as I age, but if I did not have Facebook I would lose so many more Friends due to the circumstances of geography and time. So much richness from friendship and sharing, it would be a shame to miss it before I have too.
So love it or leave it, but if the tool fits the job…use it well.