December 10, 2015 | UncategorizedEach day I pray to get through the day without being self seeking, dishonest and self pitying.
On reflection this morning after my prayer I realized that for me dishonesty and self seeking are often the same thing. My dishonesty takes the form of misrepresenting myself, not being clear about or hiding what I want, need or think in order to make a certain impression on others, in other words to get what I want – other people to like me.
When I looked deeper I saw that I have not believed that I could be liked for myself, that the “true me” would not be acceptable to others. I therefore operate on the assumption that what I need or want or think is not good enough and once more fear is given the ruling hand.
I understand that much of that fear comes from my guilt which always stands at the ready to prove that I should have a poor opinion of myself. I proceed, acting falsely, driven by the fear that the “real” me will not measure up to the expectations of others.
It takes so much energy to be dishonest this way, so much guessing what others need me to be and so much wasted energy after the fact on the regret of the dishonesty.
I do believe that sometimes it is kind not to say everything that I am thinking as long as the effort is for the benefit of another not an effort for me to gain approval or affection.
Today I shall try to be honest in my representation of myself.
After all this introspective thinking I packed up and trekked down to breakfast. The waiter was doing double reception/checkout duty. I asked to check out and he smiled and said, “breakfast first”.
I filled up and checked out and as I was leaving the counter the same waiter said, “Please wait”. He ran into the kitchen and came back out with a sandwich wrapped in tin foil and an orange, he said,” for the path today”. He hesitated a moment then looking me right in the eyes he said, “You have a beautiful spirit”
I thanked him,”mucho, mucho gracias” and put on my knapsack and left.
I was two or three steps from the building when he opened the door, stuck out his head and yelled, “If you need anything, anywhere on the trail, call me I will come and help you”
This is what happened the first morning I decided to live honestly, acting just as myself. Thank you God, I get it now!
BTW, I did not stop to eat today on the path but I ate that sandwich and its accompanying orange tonight – it was the best sandwich I ever ate.